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Tuesday, April 6, 2010

something like a holiday

There has been a lot of frustration in the air recently, most graphically brought into focus by the appalling tantrums of our two year old.  These are becoming a daily occurrence.  Her expression of pure rage and frustration is something to behold, and beholding it is about all one can do.  Like any force of nature, they just have to run their course.  Watching these tantrums is like seeing an intensified and physicalised manifestation of what I’ve been feeling for the last month or so.  At least I have the words (occasionally) to articulate what I’m feeling and can see lack of progress within a larger context.  My darling daughter is instead buffeted by waves of utter frustration that have no way of dissipating other than through crazy tsunamis of rage.

That I am actually sitting and writing something is a step forward and is largely due to the fact that we have had something approximating an Easter holiday – ie we went somewhere else (my mother’s house) and did things together as a family (some time at the beach) and mind numbing domestic tasks were minimalised.  And although it was only four days it was a much-needed circuit breaker.  So the work (music) is progressing slowly, so I have failed to meet my self-set (and completely arbitrary) deadline, so my teaching load is messily and inefficiently spread over days when I could be doing my own work at home… oh well.  It is not ideal (things rarely are) and I feel a bit frustrated (less than I did a couple of weeks ago) but my life has many facets and they don’t necessarily fit together neatly.  I haven’t got the ‘child-rearing / paid work / MY work /  miscellaneous-personal-stuff’ balance right yet and it will probably never be perfect but then things rarely are.   Yet again, I have to be reminded by my nearest and dearest that maybe my expectations need to be reviewed.  OK.  I’ll adjust (and re-adjust) my sights accordingly and remember that the only one that has these expectations of me is ME and not some imaginary panel of peer assessors ready to mark me down if I don’t come up with the goods in time.

3 comments:

  1. I'd say I know pretty much how you feel. And adjusting is right and inevitable but you still have to make time for your music. Because if you don't you will be the one throwing tantrums.

    Balance is something one has to adjust from minute to minute but still - might there be a chance of not spreading your teaching out so much?

    Though I have to say, the spreading out of my thoughts is what hinders me most.

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  2. Thanks Susanne - I laughed because I have been known to throw the occasional tantrum myself. Your comment definitely hit the nail on the head.
    cx

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  3. Ha! I feel the same way, though there are no tantrums around me except my own. Sometimes I would like to put myself under a photocopier so that I can multiply myself by at least 5. Then each one of us would probably set higher and higher expectations and it would go on and on ad infinitum! How would it feel to get everything done? Maybe it would be boring.
    xx

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